You Can’t Control the Environment, But You Can Control You

When I was walking into the nursing home several times a week, I can tell you honestly—I hated the environment. It smelled like sickness and sadness. People were waiting for their last days, and it showed. I didn’t want to be there, but my mother was there. That meant I had to be there too.

The hard truth? I couldn’t change the environment. I couldn’t repaint the walls, lift the energy of the halls, or make the place feel any less like the waiting room of death. What I could change—what I had to change—was me.

Mastering Myself

Walking through those doors, my first instinct was to focus on everything I disliked. The smell. The silence. The lifelessness. My inner dialogue would start to spin: Why does she have to be here? Why is this happening to her? Why is this happening to me?

And the more I focused on that, the worse I felt. I became the victim of my own thoughts. I was making my mother’s death mean something about me. My selfishness made me the center of her experience, and from there, I suffered.

That’s when I realized: I needed to stop trying to control what was outside of me and start mastering what was inside of me.

The Vision That Anchored Me

I work in end results. For me, everything starts with vision. And in my vision, I saw myself being far more supportive than my victimhood allowed me to be. I saw myself loyal, consistent, and connected—not only to my mother but to the nursing staff, too.

One of my deepest values is loyalty. For me, loyalty meant that no matter how hard this got, I would have my mom’s back until the very end. That vision anchored me when the emotions were too heavy.

And when the emotions rose up again, I reminded myself of my end result: to have no unfinished business. That became my compass. Even when I didn’t want to walk into the room, that vision pulled me forward.

Letting Go of Taking It Personal

Another piece of the work was not taking things personally. That was one of my biggest lessons.

When I walked into my mom’s room, most of the time she wasn’t herself. She would sleep through my visits. Or worse, she would wake up and tell me to leave. Sometimes she refused to communicate at all. I knew on some level she was aware of what she was doing, but she didn’t have the bandwidth, the maturity, or the energy to be the mother she once was.

And I took that personally. My inner voice twisted it into: She doesn’t want to see me. She doesn’t love me. She’s rejecting me. None of that was true, but that’s what victimhood does.

I had to let go of the attachment to what I wanted her to be and allow her to be who she was in that moment.

The truth was, whatever she was going through was between her and God. It wasn’t my job to interfere with that. My job was to stay loyal, to keep showing up, and to support her transition—because that’s what she wanted.

Moving the Energy

One of the values I carry into my work is moving energy for the best outcome for all. That means not getting stuck in my own pain, my own frustration, or my own attachments.

When I found myself angry, frustrated, or hurt by the environment or by my mom’s behavior, I stopped. I checked in with myself. I asked: Where is my energy going? Am I feeding the pain, or am I feeding the outcome I want?

If my energy was going to pain, then I redirected it. I shifted back to the bigger picture. I reminded myself: This isn’t about me. This is about walking my mom home. This is about finishing well. This is about no unfinished business.

That shift saved me, over and over again.

Responsibility

Here’s the hard truth: no one could do this work for me. Not my coach, not my family, not my friends. It was my responsibility to manage my own emotions, to redirect my own energy, and to stay focused on my end result.

It didn’t always feel good. Sometimes it felt like hell. But every time I resisted walking into that room, I reminded myself of what was important. And I walked in anyway.

And at the end of the day, I created exactly what I wanted. Not perfection. But completion.

What I Learned

What I learned through this season is something I now carry into my coaching:

• You cannot control the environment.
  

• You cannot control how others show up.
  

• But you can control yourself.
  

And when you take responsibility for yourself, your emotions, your attachments, your energy, you become free. You stop fighting reality and start working with it. You stop resisting what is and start creating what matters most.

That’s the path to no unfinished business.